I find myself wrangling a thrashing four-year-old through the downstairs hall, up the stairs, through the upstairs hall, and finally, barely, into 
her room. I’ve got her in a bear hug, her arms pinned to her sides but all the while she is screaming (deliberately turning toward my ear), kicking and whipping her head back trying to hit my face.
She’s in full-out meltdown over something like the order in which she received the ketchup or a cup that’s not pink. Prior to this wrestling match, she’s been warned, probably one time too many because she already knows she doesn’t get to ruin dinner for everyone else by screaming/crying/whining just because she’s upset/mad/temporarily psychotic, whatever.
But with this girl, it doesn’t matter. When she’s in this kind of mood she does not listen. She will ignore warnings and chances and rage on until discipline is enforced. In this case, she’s seized and removed from the table, as promised.
Once there, I stand her on her bed and back away quick because I know better. She drops immediately and kicks at me, hard, with both legs like a mule. I make for the door. She jumps up and runs after me, but I get out, pull it closed and monkey-grip the handle, leaning back with the full force of my weight while she screams and bangs and yanks and fights for all she’s worth on the other side.
As I stand there, sweaty and mad and wishing I could cover my ears, I think about an array of seemingly irrational things like the pros and cons of installing a dead bolt (effective, but looks bad), the general use of sound proof ear muffs around the house (it would protect my hearing) and the length of the hose in the backyard (can it reach from the deck all the way up here?).
On the other side of the door, she is a tiny, hysterical, raging beast who is probably about to gnaw her way through the wood. I don’t have a plan for this if she does. Maybe the hose.
Eventually, I issue a threat. It’s time to calm down or there will be further consequences, something drastic, I can’t think of just yet, but something.
Around this time I realize I’m in a half squat, basically hanging from the doorknob with every muscle in my body on lockdown and I wonder; what in the hell am I doing?
I’d rather be eating a warm dinner at the table like a human being but instead I’m repressing the urge to yell and bang against the door just as hysterically as she is while I try (try) to calmly remind her to settle down, to make a better choice, that she brought on the consequence.
At this moment, she needs parented, and that’s my job.
Parenting. That’s what this is. Yes. It comes in strange forms sometimes. It’s often irrational and emotional and it doesn’t happen on my schedule. Ever. But this is it. And I’ve been at it long enough to know parenting is a verb. One that requires more action and energy than I ever dreamed.
I’ve done some pretty strange things in the name of parenting, like leapfrogging an obese man through a doorway because I couldn’t get past him fast enough to catch my girl before she darted into the street. I’ve also dangled a helpless (but beloved) doll out the car window on the interstate as leverage to stop a lot of unnecessary screaming. Mildly sadistic? Maybe. But the girl wasn’t quite so defiant with Dolly flapping frantically in the wind and the car ride got a lot quieter.
I’m not always right, but most of the time I’m at least doing something. I’m trying. I’m interacting, I’m showing, I’m correcting, guiding, explaining, explaining again, explaining again and again and again. I’m occasionally yelling and every once in a while, somehow, something gets through.
Sometimes I hear myself say something like, If you don’t brush your teeth right now I’m turning off that TV and you’re going straight to bed! And then I think, why did I say that? because now I’m going to have to get up and actually do it if they don’t listen and most of the time I don’t want to stop whatever I’m doing to discipline. I just want them to do what they’re told.
The first time I ask.
Perfectly.
And then, maybe, thank me for the unique privledge that is having me for a mother.
But they don’t work that way and if I don’t follow through it will only get worse. Not parenting teaches kids a lot, too.
These little people are running around with still-developing brains trying to learn how to move about in the world. They don’t know how to reign in emotions. They aren’t rational. They often can’t be reasoned with, so to get through we have to get up, engage and get their attention. And sometimes we have to get creative.
Some days are tough and by tough I mean roughly equivalent to running repeatedly into a brick wall. Sometimes we aren’t quite sure how we’ll make it through. But we do. It may not always be pretty, but we make it somehow.
As parents, even when we’re tired and frustrated and we’d rather be doing something (anything) else, we usually fight it out with our kids. We take action, we give our energy. We parent, because our kids are worth it.
My girl is worth the fight. That’s what I tell myself when I’m ready to bang my own head against the door until I lose consciousness. She is worth it. And in small bits, I see it paying off. The fights are fewer and farther between. She often chooses to control herself in lieu of consequences. She’s starting to consider other people. To some degree, little by little, fight by fight, it is working. She’s a good girl (most of the time).
So, if you see me squirting my kids with the hose or making them do push ups or run into us and find they’re dressed in some mis-matched-rag-tag outfit, do not be alarmed. I’m just trying to parent, and whatever you see is the best I could come up with at the moment.
Do you have any creative / effective parenting moves? If you do, please, help us all and share them in the comments below.
Thanks for reading!
***Photo from http://earlychildcare.wordpress.com/page/7/
CarrieASFT
Krissy Cabeen (@krissycabeen)
One thing you may want to try that works with my boys is to tickle her when she starts to throw her tantrum. What it does for me with my boys is it distracts them long enough to take the fight out of them. Cause if they are laughing then they can’t scream. And lets face it we rather have them laugh then scream. Once I have their attention, I tell them I love them but what they did was wrong. Then I ask them to tell me what they did wrong and we talk about it and if they need to be punished then they go to the time out chair or to apologize they do.
Thanks for sharing this idea. It’s a good reminder that even discipline doesn’t have to be serious all the time. Agree with you and definitely prefer laughing to screaming… and the giggles can sometimes keep us from descending into an all-out battle.
I really like this post because its honest about the struggles, but doesn’t allow for the children to rule. I feel like our current generation of kids don’t get much “parenting” these days. Its more like “passive” parenting. One big challenge is following through with what I’ve said and then really doing it. Like “you will lose that toy if you throw it again.” Then actually taking it away and dealing with the tantrum….even if it is in the grocery store..and everyone stares. I often try to give moms the “knowing look” or word of encouragement in those situations because you feel so defeated sometimes. I also find myself distancing myself from kids who are “poorly parented.” I’m sure that comes off judgmental, but when a parent allows a child to be disrespectful of others, property, etc. its difficult to shut my mouth. I want my kids to have a certain level of respect and their peers to exhibit that as well. Sometimes you just have to take a stand against what others may or may not think and do right by your child!
The public incidents are the worst. I used to worry and think people were watching/judging & probably thinking I’m too harsh, but I know when my kids are testing and they have to be taught to behave in all different sorts of situations. After a couple rough years stores are pretty good for us (usually). Now… we’re working on restaurants… And those moments when you have to tell your kid it’s NOT cool for him to do what his friend is doing… sometimes in front of said kid’s parent… those are a little uncomfortable… but gotta be consistent. I’d **like** to think most parents understand, different family, different rules/expectations.
Thanks for the reminder, Krissy. Discipline seems to be very cyclical for us. We are finally coming out of a few weeks of the “brick wall bashing,” and I feel like the discipline that at times felt exhausting and worthless, is starting to take root (maybe).
It’s nice to read about other moms in the “trenches” with me instead of just the “perfection” I feel surrounded by at times. Good post! Oh, and as far as the hose goes, I may have “accidentally” sprayed my children when I was setting up the sprinkler this week. It felt good.
I see the cycles, too, Jenny. A couple good weeks, then a terrible one (or something like that). “Exhausting and worthless” is a good description. After a stretch of bad days I usually have a panic moment and think… I’m doing this all wrong, nothing is working, my kids are animals, and they are sometimes, but not always. I think (hope) that means progress. As for the accidental squirting, it’s good to keep them on their toes.
Parenting can be tough. I give my son choices that I can control: “Would you like to come to the table for dinner or would you like me to escort you to the table?” It works for us along with the Magic 1-2-3 method I learned while I taught in a Montessori school.
Hi Anjali – I’m glad to hear you like the 1-2-3 method, I just picked up the book. We also focus on offering limited choices. “You can settle down and eat dinner with the family or you can go to your room while we eat.” It’s those times when my girl seems determined to make the wrong choice that can get rough. We’re getting there, though… slowly. Thanks for visiting and sharing your thoughts.